Catnip Anonymous: 12 Steps to Help Your Kitty Kick the Habit

Is your feline friend hooked on the ‘nip? Are you tired of finding your cat in a daze, surrounded by scattered green leaves? Fear not! The Big Phat Cat Place is here with our groundbreaking 12-step program to help your kitty overcome their catnip addiction.

Step 1: Admit There’s a Problem

The first step is getting your cat to admit they have a problem. This may be challenging, as most cats believe they’re purrfect just the way they are.

Step 2: Believe in a Higher Power

Introduce your cat to the concept of a higher power. This could be you, the can opener, or the mystical being that fills the food bowl.

Step 3: Make a Decision to Turn It Over

Encourage your cat to turn their life over to this higher power. This may involve lots of treats and belly rubs.

Step 4: Take a Moral Inventory

Help your cat reflect on their past behavior. How many curtains have they climbed while high on catnip? How many houseplants have suffered?

Step 5: Admit to the Nature of Their Wrongs

Your cat should confess their catnip-fueled misdeeds. Don’t expect too much remorse – they’re cats, after all.

Step 6: Be Ready to Remove These Defects

Prepare your cat for a catnip-free life. This may involve hiding all catnip toys and checking their little kitty pockets for secret stashes.

Step 7: Ask the Higher Power to Remove Shortcomings

Your cat should meow earnestly to their chosen higher power for strength in resisting catnip temptation.

Step 8: Make a List of Those Harmed

Help your cat list all those affected by their addiction. This might include traumatized mice toys and that one houseplant that never quite recovered.

Step 9: Make Amends

Your cat should attempt to make amends. Suggest they bring you a dead mouse as a peace offering. (Note: The Big Phat Cat Place is not responsible for any “gifts” left on your pillow.)

Step 10: Continue to Take Personal Inventory

Encourage daily self-reflection. This can be done while staring out the window or during their 18-hour nap.

Step 11: Seek to Improve Conscious Contact

Your cat should strive to improve their connection with their higher power. More purring, less hissing.

Step 12: Having Had a Spiritual Awakening, Help Other Cats

Once reformed, your cat can become a sponsor for other felines struggling with catnip addiction. They can lead by example, showing that a life free from catnip can still involve knocking things off tables and ignoring their humans.

Remember, recovery is a journey. If your cat falls off the wagon and you find them rolling around in catnip again, don’t despair. With patience, love, and possibly a few more treats, your feline friend can overcome their addiction and return to their natural state of aloof judgement.

Disclaimer: This program has not been approved by any legitimate veterinary organization. Side effects may include increased sass, sudden outbursts of zoomies, and an inexplicable desire to sit in boxes.