The Cat Whisperer’s Guide to Decoding Your Pet’s Judgemental Stares
Ever feel like your cat is silently judging your every move? You’re not alone! Here at The Big Phat Cat Place, we’ve cracked the code on feline facial expressions. Get ready to unravel the mystery behind those piercing gazes with our definitive guide.
The “You Call That Dinner?” Stare
Identifying Features:
- Slightly squinted eyes
- One raised eyebrow (if cats had eyebrows)
- Tail swishing slowly
Translation: “I can’t believe you’re serving me this peasant food again. I distinctly remember requesting caviar and quail eggs.”
Solution: Pretend you’re a waiter at a fancy restaurant and present the food with a flourish. Your cat might be so amused they’ll forget to judge you.
The “I Can’t Believe You’re Wearing That” Glare
Identifying Features:
- Wide eyes
- Ears slightly back
- Head tilted to one side
Translation: “Oh honey, no. That outfit is a crime against felinity. I can’t be seen with you in public.”
Solution: Remind your cat that they’re naked except for their fur. Fashion critiques from the permanently nude lack credibility.
The “You Dare Disturb My Slumber?” Look
Identifying Features:
- One eye barely open
- Tail twitching irritably
- A low, annoyed “mrrp” sound
Translation: “I was having the most wonderful dream about world domination, and you ruined it. Prepare to face my wrath… after my next nap.”
Solution: Slowly back away and offer peace offerings in the form of treats. Or better yet, join them for a nap.
The “Why Aren’t You Petting Me Right Now?” Stare
Identifying Features:
- Intense, unblinking gaze
- Strategically positioned in your line of sight
- Occasional chirp or meow
Translation: “Your hands appear to be unoccupied. This is unacceptable. Pet me immediately, human!”
Solution: Cease all non-cat-related activities and commence petting. Resistance is futile.
The “I’m Plotting Your Demise” Glower
Identifying Features:
- Pupils dilated to full moon size
- Tail puffed up
- Ears flattened
Translation: “One day, human. One day the tables will turn, and I shall reign supreme. But first, a quick bath.”
Solution: Distract them with a laser pointer or a cardboard box. Their plans for world domination are easily derailed.
The “You Forgot to Clean My Litter Box” Accusation
Identifying Features:
- Narrow eyes
- Tail straight up with a slight hook
- Alternating stares between you and the litter box
Translation: “Excuse me, but my royal throne room is in a state of disarray. Attend to it at once, or face the consequences on your carpet.”
Solution: Clean the litter box immediately, then grovel for forgiveness. Offering a new toy as a peace offering couldn’t hurt.
Remember, every cat is unique, and their judgemental stares may vary. With practice and patience, you’ll soon become fluent in feline facial expressions. Just don’t let them know you’ve cracked their code – we all know how cats feel about losing the upper paw.
Disclaimer: The Big Phat Cat Place is not responsible for any loss of self-esteem resulting from prolonged exposure to judgemental cat stares. If feelings of inadequacy persist, please consult our “Purr-sonal Confidence Boosting” seminar, held weekly in the mall food court.
