Catnip Anonymous: 12 Steps to Help Your Kitty Kick the Habit
Is your feline friend hooked on the ‘nip? Are you tired of finding your cat in a daze, surrounded by scattered green leaves? Fear not! The Big Phat Cat Place is here with our groundbreaking 12-step program to help your kitty overcome their catnip addiction.
Step 1: Admit There’s a Problem
The first step is getting your cat to admit they have a problem. This may be challenging, as most cats believe they’re purrfect just the way they are.
Step 2: Believe in a Higher Power
Introduce your cat to the concept of a higher power. This could be you, the can opener, or the mystical being that fills the food bowl.
Step 3: Make a Decision to Turn It Over
Encourage your cat to turn their life over to this higher power. This may involve lots of treats and belly rubs.
Step 4: Take a Moral Inventory
Help your cat reflect on their past behavior. How many curtains have they climbed while high on catnip? How many houseplants have suffered?
Step 5: Admit to the Nature of Their Wrongs
Your cat should confess their catnip-fueled misdeeds. Don’t expect too much remorse – they’re cats, after all.
Step 6: Be Ready to Remove These Defects
Prepare your cat for a catnip-free life. This may involve hiding all catnip toys and checking their little kitty pockets for secret stashes.
Step 7: Ask the Higher Power to Remove Shortcomings
Your cat should meow earnestly to their chosen higher power for strength in resisting catnip temptation.
Step 8: Make a List of Those Harmed
Help your cat list all those affected by their addiction. This might include traumatized mice toys and that one houseplant that never quite recovered.
Step 9: Make Amends
Your cat should attempt to make amends. Suggest they bring you a dead mouse as a peace offering. (Note: The Big Phat Cat Place is not responsible for any “gifts” left on your pillow.)
Step 10: Continue to Take Personal Inventory
Encourage daily self-reflection. This can be done while staring out the window or during their 18-hour nap.
Step 11: Seek to Improve Conscious Contact
Your cat should strive to improve their connection with their higher power. More purring, less hissing.
Step 12: Having Had a Spiritual Awakening, Help Other Cats
Once reformed, your cat can become a sponsor for other felines struggling with catnip addiction. They can lead by example, showing that a life free from catnip can still involve knocking things off tables and ignoring their humans.
Remember, recovery is a journey. If your cat falls off the wagon and you find them rolling around in catnip again, don’t despair. With patience, love, and possibly a few more treats, your feline friend can overcome their addiction and return to their natural state of aloof judgement.
Disclaimer: This program has not been approved by any legitimate veterinary organization. Side effects may include increased sass, sudden outbursts of zoomies, and an inexplicable desire to sit in boxes.
